Wednesday, August 17, 2011

(day forty-nine) letting go

Today I found myself roaming through some blogs from a few years ago. I stumbled upon this one, which seems to be a lesson I (we) never stop learning. It's one of letting go. Holding on to things implies several things... a few being ownership and control. If we can't let go of something it can be a clear indication that it actually controls you. I don't think this is our intention, but I do think it's our natural tendency. What we don't realize sometimes is that: a) it's not really ours to begin with, b) our Dad wants us to be completely free to love and be loved by him, and c) He's got something way better up His sleeve than what we're holding on to!

My sister was just telling me about the death grip my niece has already... and she's not even 2 yet!!! Beth, who is a grown adult, could hardly pry this thing from her daughter's hands. She's had to do this several times because of the "unsafe" things that she was holding/eating. hahaha. If it were up to Londyn, she'd probably be holding tight onto something 90% of the time. But its those desperate times she wants to be held when she instantly drops whatever it is and it quickly becomes non existent compared to the love she knows she's about to receive.

I'm also reminded of the story of "the pearls" my pastor tells: One time a Father gave his little girl a set of plastic pearls for her birthday. His daughter loved this necklace so much!!! She wore it everywhere she went, and she was so proud! One day her dad asked if He could have it back. Her immediate response was, "No daddy, I love these pearls!" He patiently said ok, but asked again a few days later. This time she began questioning her Father's love. "Why would you give me this and then take it away?" she asked. He simply replied, "trust me". It took a few more times of him asking. But finally one day she decided to trust her Father and let go of her prized possession. As he took the cheap made pearls and placed them in his pocket, he started digging around in the other one. Her eyes began to fill with tears as her Daddy placed a beautiful REAL pearl necklace around her neck.

Several years ago I found myself wrestling with a few things... one of them being my ongoing dream for my knight in shining armor to show up and whisk me off of my little feet and we'd live happily ever after. Ok, not EXACTLY like that (probably won't actually have armor on...hahaha). Anyway, I didn't even realize that the absence of the reality of this dream was bugging me. One night I was talking with a good friend of mine and he said that God was telling him to tell me to "let it go". Let it go? Let what go?? I was clueless as to what he (or God) was talking about.

Sometimes we don't think we are actually holding on to anything because we can't see it; and the reason we can't see it is because our hands are so tightly closed around it. Could it be the simple fact of letting go- of whatever it is- that pleases the Lord? If we can't give it up, it takes priority over Him and ownership in our lives. This can be very unhealthy... it can hold us back and keep us from living an abundant and free life.

So, I started asking God what this was that I needed to let go of and as soon as I began to open my hands I started to see what was inside of my death grip. Instead of trusting God for His will for my life, I was trusting myself (and failing miserably) with "my perfect little plan." And by perfect I mean: not even CLOSE to what He had in mind. My ten little fingers were woven tightly around this plan and I was having a VERY hard time letting God take control. I wanted SO badly for someone to love and pursue my heart that I guess I felt like I was going to have to make it happen somehow on my own.

This was a time in my life when I thought I was ready for that "next step". Besides that, the world had expectations... and I was not fulfilling them fast enough! Along the way... toward the next phase of my life, I had one eye on the Lord... and one eye searching for that love. I was welcoming any prospects that might come along (and almost willing to settle for the counterfeit, like the plastic pearls).

I also discovered that my destiny was not found in the pursuit of these things but in the pursuit of Him. I want HIS PLAN... abundant life in Him. I find more security in knowing things are safe in His hands and on His time table than mine. I know that when we let go... He's able to pick us up, place us in His arms, and give us way more than we could ever have imagined. He promises the REAL deal, and He delivers every time.

It's one of the most difficult places when you know what you are leaving behind... and your trying to have faith that what's ahead is better than what you've left. A lot of times we would rather stay where we are, holding on to what is comfortable because it's familiar (not because it's right). Fear of the unknown can hold us back. If we could only see what God had for us on the other side, we'd give everything up in a heartbeat. But instead we hold on to what we know... and in turn our deepest hearts desires are crushed. Part of us dies. We live our lives settling for what we understand and never grow.

I knew the time had come and I was finally ready. No matter how hard it was going to be to let go of this dream, I knew my Dad had something even better in store. That night I cried out to God and opened my hands to Him letting go of all I had been holding onto. I truly felt the love of God flow over me like He could finally hug me again. The next day I went to pick up chinese food for lunch and now I'm a believer that God can speak through ANYTHING.... even fortune cookies.

I cracked it open and this is what it said...
FRONT:Today is the day you let it go. Your chance will come.
BACK:learn chinese- boyfriend

Even more recently I was laying in bed praying before drifting off to never never land. I felt compelled to describe to God the perfect man. As I was spouting off all of his amazing qualities, I pictured myself walking down the beach with this man- but all I could see was his hand holding mine. In my vision we were laughing, running, loving and FREE. I had this feeling of being completely adored and romanced by someone. As soon as I was finished with my description... I could almost hear God say, "You just described my Son." At that very moment, in my vision, I looked up into His eyes and felt overwhelmingly loved and pursued by Jesus. Right then, as the tears began to roll... I knew that the man God was providing for me was going to be such a beautiful representation of Jesus on this earth. I sure do hope to meet him soon, but if I don't... I have every living day to fall more and more in love with my Savior!!! And this is the most beautiful love story of them all.

B90: (Song of Solomon 4- Isaiah 10:13) Right now I'm even more amazed at how fitting Song of Solomon is for this blog. Almost every person on earth can relate to this book in some way. We all desire love... true love; love that would die for us, love that will never end, love that is of no condition, love that never stops pursuing our hearts, love that describes every feature of our face, a love that brings out the very best in us!!! Some of us have sadly been abandoned or rejected by earthly love, therefore find it hard to trust another. But once we take just one tiny step in God's direction, He makes a b-line to us with this love that we can't explain. Read the whole book of Song of Solomon if you get a chance tonight. It's such a cool representation of His love for us :)

"Oh you who dwell in the gardens, with companions listening for your voice; let me heart it." Song of Solomon 8: 13

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